(Originally published August 4, 2007)

How Not to Fanzilla #1: Police/Squeeze Edition

Within every Fanzilla is a life-long quest directed at one of her objects of admiration.  In the case of Mrs. Danny Bonaduce, that quest is marrying her favorite member of the Partridge Family.  In my case, it was seeing the Police live in concert -- which I managed to achieve last week.  And it was everything I had hoped it would be when I set this goal, in between arranging my Smurf and sticker collections in 1983.  The only difference is that in 1983 I would not have spent any time lamenting the fact that AARP eligible Sting looks better than I ever will in skinny jeans. 

However, whenever Fanzilla finds herself in a crowd, there are always a few people who behave in truly bizarre ways who Need To Be Told.  Given that Fanzilla is at least a foot shorter and a few drinks more sober than these people, I have chosen the relative safety of the internets to advise my fellow concertgoers. 

1.  To the nasty woman in Section 111, Row E, Seat 16 of the August 1, 2007 Police concert at Madison Square Garden:  Spending any time on your cell phone during a concert is d-u-m dumb and pretentious.  Also, your plumper, shorter sidekick (who was also much nicer than you, as plumper, shorter sidekicks tend to be) moved out into the aisle and we all moved to the right so as to be able to see over Tall Guy.  So, there was no reason for you to start yelling at me when the security dude shoved you two back into the seats.  I was moving over as fast as I could.  Also, it totally serves you right that Tall Guy decided to sit on the top of his seat and lean back into you.  After Tall Guy leaned back into you and blocked your view, I wasn't giggling with joy about seeing the Police after waiting for 24 years.  I was giggling because I love instant karma.  Clapping right into his ear was a sucky thing to do to get Tall Guy to move.  Try asking nicely, if you ever learn how.  In other words, you suck.  And bite me.

2.  To the couple in the Orchestra, Row P, Seats 112 and 113, at the Squeeze show at the Beacon Theater, New York City:  I understand that you love Squeeze and that you love each other.  I also understand that you like to dance and that you are attracted to each other.  However, when Couple Girl wanted to dance while Couple Guy was sitting down, it was not appropriate for Couple Guy to rub his hand across her behind in a back and forth pattern or in a circular pattern.  This is tacky.  People behind you will bond by exchanging bemused and disgusted glances.  On a related note -- I'd like to give a shout out to my new best friends in Row Q!

And now for some props:

3.  To the groovy dude in the straw hat in the Orchestra, Row O, Seat 1, at the Squeeze show at the Beacon Theater, New York City:  You are a bad mama jama!  Your dance moves were large, chaotic, unorthodox and sublime.  It was a cross between Michael Stipe in the Losing My Religion Video and Wayne and Garth in the car during Bohemian Rhapsody.  You inspired everyone around you to dance big and dance proud.  Have you considered taking up figure skating?  You'd rock out the presentation scores, although Dick Button may not approve.