(Originally published September 9, 2007)

How Not to Fanzilla #2: US Open Edition

So we move from the musical stylings of various power pop bands, to the powerful pop of tennis balls.  Yes, it's September in New York, and time to review the bizarre and disturbing behavior of tennis fans.  Here is some unsolicited, but undoubtedly helpful advice for my fellow attendees at the 2007 US Open.

1.  Do not dress in tennis attire, unless you are playing a match.  Seriously, people.  I don't want to see how you look in Roger Federer's all black ensemble, and I don't want to see you walking around the grounds in that get up, even if I think he sort of looked groovy.  You haven't won 12 Grand Slam titles, which may affect your ability to wear it well.  Because you don't.  And skating fans?  This goes double for any of you who are considering any costume worn by Johnny Weir.

2.  To the people who brought the Jana Rocks sign to the Martina Navratilova-Jana Novotna Women's Champion's match.  I admire the depth of your devotion, to someone who has really not been on the radar for eleventy gazillion years.  Are you related to her?  Or are you some manner of underground Jana Novotna cult, who, in addition to making the aforementioned sign, spend meetings writing nice notes to the Duchess of Kent about how comforting she was during Jana's agony of defeat?

3.  To the couple sitting in front of me during the Navratilova/Novotna match:  taking an extreme close-up of one's girlfriend's big honkin' nose with Martina in the background is all kinds of inappropriate and bizarre.  You should have been sitting behind me, because your fandom is lesser than mine.  Although her nose isn't.  Dude.  That said, it would be completely appropriate to take one's picture at a concert while giving a thumb's up with Sting in the background.  Not that I know anything about pictures like that.

4.  To the children:  I know you're young and cute (or at least just young), but maybe sometimes the adults can have the ball that happens to fall between you and an adult after being hit into the stands by
Venus or Serena?  I'm just saying. 

Well, the skating season will soon be upon us, until then, behave!  And buy some Embittermints.